Here is a list of items that pretty much sum up my feelings about things in general.

You can't scare me. I drive a school bus!

Where there's smoke, you'll find my wife cooking dinner.

Me, Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Life is Uncertain... Eat dessert first!

They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

Due to financial problems, the light at the end of the tunnel will be shut down until further notice.

The trouble with political jokes is - they get elected.

Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.

Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield.

GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.

He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?

Don't take life so seriously... It's not permanent.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

Of course I'm in shape. Isn't Round a shape?

Life: Too many freaks, not enough circuses!

"It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator!

And on the eighth day God said, "O.K. Murphy. You take over.

Suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

I fought the lawn, and the - lawn won!

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing?

Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don’t vote.

Don't mind her. She hasn't been in a good mood since someone dropped a house on her sister.

Your village called. They want their idiot back.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities or politicians.

Be Naughty! Save Santa the trip.

Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.

I souport publik edukashun.

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

Axe me about Ebonics

How do you say constipated in German? ... Farfrumpoopen.

Better a bad smell for a moment, than a long belly-ache!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but Fat Cells live FOREVER!

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

Seen above a urinal in a men's room: Anyone can pee on the floor. Be a hero: crap on the ceiling.

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