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A Personal Story

Anyone reading this that knows me, knows that I am generally not a mean man. I was raised in good family and instructed at an early age to know the difference between good and evil. My grandmothers and mother especially taught me to respect all women. Most of my life I have tried to live by the ethics that I was thought. I can’t say that I have always been perfect, who is, but I have tried.

I know I, sound like the way back machine, that used to be on a kids TV show I watched, but I try to illustrate things in these stories and use my own life as an example sometimes. I refer maybe too often to things that happened to me as a young man. That may be because I have now had time to look back and reflect on what I did and what it meant in my life. So here goes another story from those years.

When I was in High School, I was not a straight A student, but I was pretty good. I was thin then, had lots of hair, and was considered to be pretty good looking. I played football and other sports so I had a good build. I also played music as has already been described in other stories and had a band that was on the radio and TV and held dances that some of the kids went to. I made enough money playing music that I could afford to build up a real cool car that friends admired. I was fairly popular in school and I liked going to school. I was not an elected official like class president or anything like that, but was a member of the board of control and represented the school at other events.

I started playing in a band at a very young age and was used to getting up in front of people and talking and playing music. I was very confident in my ability. I was not cocky or overbearing or anything like that, I don’t think, just satisfied in who I was and I liked the attention I got and the respect I got from friends and relatives as well as people who came to hear me play. It was a real fun time for me, and even though I was going through all the normal things that kids go through, everyday. I was satisfied with my life. I bring these things up not to brag about me so much as to try to show what my life was like in those days even if it does sound like bragging.

As it turned out we needed a girl singer in the band. There were a pair of gals who where going around the area singing in some of the places we played that were pretty good. One of the girls was a gal by the name of Judy. She was a nice gal who had taught herself how to play the guitar and sing. She had a real great voice and was not bad to look at either. One day I asked the girls if they would like to be guests on our regular Saturday morning radio show. They of course jumped at the chance and as soon as we could we asked them to come on the show. The audience reaction was real good and I decided to ask Judy if she would consider joining our band. At first she did not want to break up with her girl friend she was singing with, but her girlfriend was going with a guy and was kind of losing interest in being a singer anyway so she came with us in the band.

Well as young people are prone to do, we became closer and closer. Ok not that close, she was a very nice girl and nice girls did not do that in those days until after they were married or at least that is what they told us boys. We started dating and going everywhere together. We played most dates together and just hung out together whenever we could. She lived in Tacoma and I lived in Puyallup and when we first started going together I could not drive so I had to depend on my parents to take me places. So most of the time we were not really alone but had a parent with us close or close enough to make sure we did not get into trouble.

I started expanding the band and included many more GIs from Fort Lewis into the band that played at the dances. We had so many guitar players and singers that it was hard to give everyone of them some time to do their thing. At the same time there was another band starting up that was headed up by the engineer at the radio station who I just recently found out was one of the owners by the name of Buck Owens. Later of Heehaw fame. He needed a gal singer in his band and had heard Judy on our show and asked if he might have her in his band. Well Judy and I both agreed that it would probably be better for her if she took this opportunity. I could come over and be with her after our dance closed down. Because we were minors we could not have play after some hour. I think it was midnight. Judy could not sing either after that time at her dance, but I would come over and dance with her and if I could get away with it maybe even play a little bit with her band. Never thought that bunch of drunks would amount to much. See what I knew.

Things went well between the two of us for quite a time after that. My parents liked Judy and liked her parents. They would play cards and have dinners together. Judy and I would usually just go out into one of the cars behind the houses and neck. Yes that is what they called it in those days. Well the neck is about as far as I got also. Like I said before Judy was a nice girl.

When we did play on the same stage or when I would go to listen to her sing, she would sing the love songs looking at me. I could tell the words were coming from her heart. I could see in her eyes and body that she was deeply in love with me. She knew it and the worst part was that I knew it also. She did all she could to let me know how much she cared for me. Actually I was kind of cold to her but it did not seem to dissuade her at all.

It was getting about this time to the time I was starting into my senior year in High School. I had decided that I wanted to break up with Judy and play the field so to speak. Judy had planned a birthday party for me and had gotten me a present with the little money she had made. It was a real nice time in the basement of her friend’s house that she used to play and sing with when I had met her. We ate cake and ice cream and danced to Johnny Mathus records. We did a little necking there also. At the end of the evening we went out to my car to say goodbye as Judy’s friend and her boyfriend, who she later married, were getting involved more than what we wanted to be part of. As I went to leave, I, for some reason just blurted that I wanted to brake up with her. At first she looked as if she had not heard me, so I said it again. “I want to brake up with you Judy.” She looked at me with disbelief and said “I love you, I thought you loved me, I thought we were going to get married”. “Get married? I said, you are too stupid to be my wife.” ……… You are too stupid to be my wife…… God what words to say? Why did I say it that way? She was a pretty poor student, but I think in her mind she just wanted to be my wife and she would not have to go to college as I was going to go, she did not try much in school Anyway she started to cry and ran out of the car and back into the house.

I put the Ford in low gear squealed the tires and speed off to my house in Puyallup . The hell with her, there are a lot of prettier girls who would love to be my girlfriend who need Judy. I got home and to my parents surprise I told them that I had broken up with Judy and that we would not be playing or going together anymore. They were quite surprised and I think a little disappointed. They like her parents and genuinely liked Judy. They probably thought that it was just one of those fights and we would be together again soon. Well, it never happened and I never dated Judy again.

I went with other girls my senior year and had a ball. I though very little about Judy even though my mom would ask about her from time to time. She never seemed to like the girls I was currently dating. I continued having fun with girls of all kinds and was kind of getting sick of the superficial stuff that goes along with dating until I met my wife Jackie and we fell in love and got married. I was so happy and in love with Jackie and loving being a husband and soon a father, that little else ever crept into my mind about the past or other gals I had known. When I say known I don’t mean in the biblical way known. I admit it; even though I had many chances, I was as virgin as could be when I was with Jackie for the first time, as she was with me. That is the way it is supposed to be and I highly recommend it.

As time went by and my life settled down to work and raising a family with all those responsibilities, I found myself reflecting on my past and what my life was all about. I have always been fairly religious and believed in God and in doing the right thing. I knew about repentance and the steps one must do to receive forgiveness of sins. I found myself thinking of things that I had done and things I was not too proud of in the past. Eventually a deep remorse came over me about what I had done to Judy and the way I had done it. I remember I used to laugh as she tried to call me or send me a letter. She even walked by the window where I worked hoping to see me. I just laughed it all off and thought she was pathetic. Now I was not so sure she was the pathetic one.

As I was getting older I could feel my own mortality and sense of what was important in life. The more I thought about it the more I thought about Judy. I used to relive it and dream about it. I finally told Jackie about it and she tried to reassure me that it was probably not as bad as I had remembered. But I knew it was that bad, at least to me it was that bad. I had saddled myself with guilt and Heavenly Father was telling me that I know what I had to do and I had better do it soon.

My mother, for some reason had stayed in contact with Judy and would occasionally get a card or letter from her. As it turned out she was a working musician at a regular gig in Seattle . She was playing country western music with her husband who was a musician as well. I asked my mother to get her phone number from her the next time she called. My mom wondered why I wanted to see her but I said it was something personal between Judy and me and don’t worry I was not going to run off with her and leave Jackie, who by now, my mom loved probably even more than me.

I waited for a few months after my mom got the number before calling Judy. I had to build up the courage to make the call. I wondered if she would just hang up. It would have served me right. I deserved to be hung up on; I had done it to her many times. When I did call, for some reason it seemed she was expecting the call and recognized my voice almost immediately. She seemed as nice and attentive to me on the phone as she was many years ago. No hint of anger or regret. We made small talk for a time and then I asked her if my wife and I could visit her and her husband. She said that sounded like a great idea and suggested that we try to get as many members of the old band together as well. We decided to play some of the old radio show tapes and tapes form other shows that we did just to reminisce. We were then going to talk about old times and get to know each other one more time. Then have a nice dinner together which Judy graciously agreed to prepare.

The big day finally came. Most of the old gang was coming including the parents of most of the gang that were still alive. It was a wonderful party with much laughter listening to the old show tapes. We all decided that we were not as good then as our memory told us we were. We looked at old photos and memorabilia that some of the band members brought with them like press clippings and programs. After a real enjoyable day, we started to filter out and go to our own homes. As I was about to leave I asked Judy and her husband if it would be alright with them if I spoke with Judy for a minute alone. They agreed and my wife stayed and visited with Judy’s husband and Judy and I made our way to the deck outside her home.

Judy looked a little funny at me wondering what I wanted with her. When we got outside I hesitated for a moment, turned to look at her as tears started to flow in my eyes. I said something to the effect: “Judy do you remember the day I broke up with you when we were kids and what I said?” She said “yes.” Well I just want to tell you how sorry I am for what I said and that I was the one who was too stupid to be your husband not the other way around. Can you ever forgive me? By this time she was crying as well and we were holding each other face to face crying there together. She smiled at me and said “of course I forgive you Larry; I did that may years ago. Please do not let it bother you anymore, it doesn’t bother me anymore.” “But I was so terrible and mean, for heaven sake you gave me a party and then I did what I did”. She said “you are not a mean person, you have been kind all your life and coming here to say you are sorry proves it”. I told her how much I appreciated her saying that and how much it meant to me to be forgiven by her.

I went home and Jackie knew what I had done. I did not have to tell her she just hugged me and looked at me with her big beautiful eyes and seemed to be proud of me. You see I knew I had repented of what I had done to another person. I knew that Heavenly Father would forgive me. I knew that Jesus had died for this sin as well, but I had not and could not forgive myself for what I had done until Judy said the words to me after I asked for her forgiveness.

I feel that day my grandmothers and father were looking down on me and were smiling and proud of me. And I was proud of myself after a long time of not feeling that proud of that part of my life.

Judy died not to long after that day. I attended the funeral with my mom and was so happy that I had been inspired to do what I did and that I could rest easy knowing that I had lived up to the expectations I have for myself and my family.